It’s been 114 days since my last cigarette. Nicotine has been an off and on friend/enemy since I started smoking at 14. (Crazy!!) One of my sayings when it comes to quitting smoking: Quitting is easy I’ve done that hundreds of times, its the staying off that is hard.
This time I educated myself, I am a nicotine addict, a smokeaholic, and I will be for the rest of my life. I smoked myself into an addiction, and my brain is wired to want this nasty cigarette, forever. There is no one more smoke, that will take me back down this road. There is only the fact that I have made a Personal Commitment to Never Take Another Puff!
I got my smart turkey education from Why Quit an excellent source of nicotine addiction education (I cant recommend the two free PDF Books: Never Take Another Puff and Freedom from Nicotine enough!) There is also a fantastic Facebook group once you have gone cold turkey I posted to and used often: Turkeyville Support Group
I wrote on certain days, as a reminder to myself further down the road why I chose to end my relationship with Nicotine and also to remind myself about how hard this actually was. I cant say for sure I wont ever go back to smoking, I do know that I’ve promised that before, but I sure as hell hope I have the common sense to stay away from the lure of that addiction and commit to my resolve to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!
Done it, finally got to the day I said I would quit. Seems so easy while you are smoking to think of a quit day in the future. Then the day comes and you want to put it later. There’s a monster inside me, controlling me ruling me. But it’s not that strong. It’s my reaction that is stronger.
06.02 Its day 2 today and I am craving a bit. I want to recover from this addiction. Find freedom. I will not smoke today. Just for today, don’t think about anything else other than just for today I will not smoke.
I have more irritation from withdrawal symptoms, my body is getting used to living without all the toxins, but I can breath and move past it. Just breath feel my body and know tissues are healing, my brain is busy healing and my body is getting it out. The nicotine is still in my system right now. But for today I will not smoke!
08.02 Day 4. Look at you go, you made it to day 4. Its not exactly easy. I will always be a nicotine addict for the rest of my life. But by today the nicotine is out of my system. Its time to deal with the psychological urges. I had a dream last night. I was with my mom and she also quite a few weeks ago in real life. But in my dream she lit up a smoke. I could feel myself craving, and the mind thoughts of hey she can have one I can also have some, just one drag, but even in my dream I knew that I would just be addicted again and have to redo ALL these withdrawal symptoms again. I don’t want to start back at one. I know one drag will take me back to smoking a pack a day again. And even in my dream I knew I didn’t want to do it! NTAP!!! But at least my dreams are now no longer JUST me doing a quick cheat but standing up to someone else cheating for myself lol. Even watching her drag the smoke and pull her mouth and face cause it tastes so gross.
I even had 3 shots of Jägermeister last night too. Just to get used to drinking again without having to smoke. I think that was a big part of my relapses in the past, simply the urges when drinking that I couldn’t say no. I never trained myself to drink without nicotine. Now I need to learn how to drink again without smoking.
For today I will not smoke!
NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!! NTAP
09.02 Day 5
A little bit sensitive today. I don’t know if it’s because the last day 5 I packed my bags and left home all wound up in withdrawal/unconscious pain angry with the world and bought a bottle of wine and smokes and that’s on the edge, Or because I smoked in my dream last night. It was terrible. Fighting myself so and fighting the withdrawals but then using the mental excuse and then smoking. And it tasted just a shitty in me dream as it would in real life. or it could just be my peak day after the first 72 hours. Whatever it is I don’t feel calm today. I am more sensitive and tense to get angry… Just breath. This is flippen horrible. I never want to go through this again. It feels terrible. The only way to avoid putting future Charissa through this pain is to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF! But I get overwhelmed thinking of tomorrow and next year and what not. It makes it worse. Just for today. Just for now I will not smoke. I am worth the freedom.
Breathing is becoming better, I still have some phlegm in my chest but its definitely much better, my sinuses are also clearing up. I don’t have that runny nose in the morning anymore. Blowing it actually works and gets it out.
My hands are warmer, I know it’s not winter when they are normally freezing but I haven’t had cold hands again yet. Even in summer in the mornings my hands get a bit cool. Mind you my whole body is actually a lot warmer. Could it be the circulation?
I know the withdrawals are easier to handle when I don’t allow my mind to negotiate having another smoke. NTAP!!
14.02 Day 10
Can’t believe I’ve made it this far. This addiction is still within me but I won’t turn back. There’s no fucking way I am going to expose myself to nicotine and the dirty disgusting taste of a smoke now, what’s the point?!? I can smell a lot better. Had to be around smokers on Saturday, Herman came over and a client of Jarryd’s lit up in the garage. They are so fucking stinky, how did I not smell that before, oh I know cause my nerve endings were DEAD
The weekend went down well. The cravings were there but for once I was not bullshitting myself by having a smoke. So it gets easier and easier each day. I am so thankful that last week is behind me. Feeling so much better with withdrawals. I think I can do this.
I have made a commitment to myself to NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF.
17.02 Day 13
Struggling quite a bit. Very very angry the last two days. Just RAAAGEEEE. Fighting with Jarryd, we are treating each other badly. I realize my periods are also coming soon, so that is also affecting my moods. But its tough. I don’t want to smoke. It will taste so disgusting, I don’t want to go back to wanting to quit every day, to waking up to a snotty chest. My knees and back are already in bad condition, I don’t need to add the chemicals and poisons into it. I don’t want to smoke. But I just want relief from this. All that is going to help is to starve off the nicotine. It will get easier. I’m only in week two. My whole life is still ahead of me. I can do this!
I MAKE A PERSONAL COMMITMENT TO NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF!!!
24.03 Day 47
I’m quite surprised at myself. That I haven’t had even one drag in the last 47 days.
I am having a big of a rough day today for some reason. Just really annoyed and irritable. And naturally the first thoughts are to a smoke. Which I really don’t need back in my life! The addiction is passed now, it’s just all totally psychological now. I do not think of smoking that much, maybe about 5 times a day. But its funny how some old triggers are still there like thinking about buying smokes at food lovers. Even at home. Like when I am bored. It seems like we have so much more time on our hands. Most sat mornings we are up and out of the house before 9am! Hehe
I do not want to go back! No I don’t
Thank you for Not Smoking!